Sunday, March 8, 2009

Who am I? Where am I?

Woe is me. I feel a little lost at the moment. Maybe more than a little. Who knows, I certainly don't.

The Boy and I are at that weird stage in the relationship. The "Just over a year = time to get serious?" mark. I'm not handling it well, to be honest. I try and talk to him about it, but I don't think he gets it. I don't think he's seeing the phase in the same light as I'm seeing it. I think he's still in the "deliriously in love" phase give that I'm his first serious girlfriend, and the first non-family female he's ever lived with. Fun times.

Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits. It's me I'm not loving to bits at the moment. I feel like this "Just over a year etc." phase should be the start of the settle down phase if that's where we're heading, but I'm kind of freaking out about it all. I know "Just over year" isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things, but to give a person a year of your life, to share that time with them and then to continue to share it with them, the decision has to be made eventually right? And I'm a firm believer in "sooner rather than later" because I don't want to spend that time with someone, and continue to share that time with them only to decide after a couple more years that it's just not right. I'm 24 (nearly 25) and I've spent all but about 6 months of my last nearly 10 years in realtionships. Crazy, I know. Sometimes I think I'm too much of a romantic and want that fairy tale ending. To prove my point: a few short weeks ago I was mentally planning our trip down the aisle. Then reality sets in and now I'm sitting here thinking "F*ck. I'm sooooo not ready to do that again, and I don't know if/when I will be". Thinking bites the big one right now.

I know I'll get through it all. I'm thinking I need a bit of a holiday. The ideal would be a few months travelling o/s. That would be so utterly fantastic. It's something I really want to do, and while The Boy and I have plans to go o/s sometime between late this year and mid next year, there's this desire inside of me to do it alone, or with friends. To have an adventure as Gemma, not as Gemma & The Boy. I've not really had an alone adventure, and I think it's something I really need.

I've never really done anything alone actually. I've never even lived on my own. Eep. That used to be fine with me, because I was still coming to terms with "Me" after I threw my old life away, and I was not a big fan of my own company. I lived in share accommodation for a while, and that involved a lot of "Gemma" time, but I wasted it and didn't appreciate it for it's true value. Which leaves me now wondering what I want from this life.

Argh. Was International Women's Day really intended to be this "liberating"?

Here's to self discovery.
x

No comments:

Post a Comment